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PCH, Hell Uber Alles Edition Revisited: BMW 745i or Audi V8 Quattro? [Project Car Hell]

Welcome to Project Car Hell, where you choose your eternity by selecting the project that's the coolest... and the most hellish! In our last Hell Project matchup, we learned that two-thirds of Jalopnik readers would choose a Mustang-based Fauxrrari over an Integra-based one as their ride of choice in the Lake Of Fire. The Lake Of Fire, as we know, is rough on body panels… but not nearly as rough as it is on brain-scramblingly complex German electronics. That means we're going to return to Hell Über Alles, with a couple of precision-engineered German machines with bargain-of-a-lifetime price tags.


The BMW E23 745i was quite a machine, with the 252 horses churned out by its turbocharged/intercooled 3.2 or 3.4 liter I6 representing a very impressive figure for its era, but they weren't sold in North America. BMW shoppers had to make do with the naturally-aspirated 733i and 735i over here… that is, unless a buyer was willing to brave the wilds of the gray-market import jungle and bring one over from Europe. Many were willing, surprisingly enough, and you can get one for yourself if you're willing to do a little digging… and a lot of wrenching. If you're in a penny-pinching mood, you can find a cheapo 733 and a trashed 745 and join the two in unholy matrimony, like the seller of this '83 745i/'78 733i combo (go here if the ad disappears) was attempting to do before he or she ran out of time and money. The 745i was allegedly running when parked in March (the year isn't specified, but we'll be charitable and assume the seller means 2008 and not 1995), and it "still needs some love, but what 4dr 600hp classic luxury sedan doesnt." Hey, this must be one of those rare 600 horsepower E23s that BMW offered to its really special customers back then! There's no price given, but given the impossible somewhat challenging nature of this project and the tough economic times, we figure you'll be able to pick up both cars for the price of a 15-year-old Nissan Sentra.

Turbocharging is fun and all, but a big V8 directing mountain-moving torque loads through all four wheels is even better, yes? Yes! The early Audi V8 was a real monster, with 276 horses harnessed to the Quattro all-wheel-drive system in dauntingly complicated perfect harmony… but you couldn't buy one in North America! What is it with those damn Germans, keeping all the good stuff for themselves? Not to worry, though, because some Americans were willing to tread ink in the paperwork lagoon long enough to get themselves a shiny new V8 Quattro back in the early 90s, and- can you believe it?- now they've become fairly affordable. Think we're joking? Then take a gander at this here '91 Audi V8 Quattro (go here if the ad disappears) for the '92 Mazda 323-esque price of just $1,295. That's right, you can buy this car for a tiny fraction of the customs fees its original owner handed to the feds to get the car into the country in the first place! Isn't depreciation a wonderful thing? It seems to be in perfect condition, too… oh, wait, there's that bit about "Tiny oil leak, airbag and antilock lights are on." Well, how hard can a gusher out the rear main seal valve cover gasket leak be to fix, eh? And those warning lights- they're almost certainly just symptoms of total and catastrophic ECU failure minor glitches in the wiring; you'll have 'em sorted out years minutes after you tow drive your new white elephant daily driver home!

Which European-market hell will it be this time?
( surveys)




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PCH, Suspension Of Ferrari Disbelief Edition: Mustrrari or Integrrari? [Project Car Hell]

Welcome to Project Car Hell, where you choose your eternity by selecting the project that's the coolest... and the most hellish! Yesterday, we were not quite shocked to see the backyard-turbo'd VW GTI obliterate the rod-knockitty Toyota FX16 by a 76:24 margin in the Choose Your Eternity poll. Today we're going to consider the Fauxrrari, and- just to make it more interesting- we're not considering Fiero-based cars. That's right, no Fierraris!


You've got your Fauxrraris based on Fieros, or Corvettes, or 280Zs, or even Mitsubishi Eclipses. But say you want the reliability and VTEC power of a Honda product in your Fauxrrari? Sure, sure, it's front-wheel drive, and maybe that makes a Ferronda even more of an abomination in the eyes of Ferrari purists, but horrifying the purists to the point where they have to start dumping extra anisetta shots in their espresso just to maintain the will to live… well, that's why we're here, isn't it? Of course it is, and that's just one of many excellent reasons for you to purchase this 1994 Acura Integra with 'Ferrari F430 conversion' (go here if the ad disappears), which sports a totally reasonable asking price of a mere $2,500. The seller says "everything on car is perfect," but then his or her ironclad sense of honesty compels the following semi-disturbing qualification: "its stalling MILDLY on 2345 gear and when on 60mph wont let me go higher its not tranny cuz wen in neutral i press gas and it struggles so it might be senors or m.a.p sensor which online is 70$." You see? The stalling is mild; get a new MAP sensor and it's good to go! Of course, you'll need to jack up the horsepower to Ferrari standards, so that you'll be able to torque steer your way into the nearest ditch justify that fine, fine pure Bondo bodywork, which means adding turbocharging and intercooling until the combustion chambers are hotter than the surface of the sun.

You could definitely have some fun in an Integrrari, since it would actually be pretty quick and all, but the Fierrari guys will point to your front-wheel burnouts and laugh and you can't have that! If you're going to spend the staggering sum of several thousand bucks on a Fauxrrari, it's got to be rear-wheel-drive, right? What you're looking for, my budget-minded supercar-seeking friend, is a genuine Mustrrari, built on Ford's protean Fox platform. When you've got a Fox, every junkyard in North America will seem like a comprehensively stocked superstore to you, and you want cheap aftermarket performance parts? Whooo-EEEE! You can turn a Fox into a 200 MPH deathtrap performance machine for nickels and dimes, my friend, nickels… and… dimes! "But did anyone ever make a Fox Ford Ferrari kit?" you might be asking, and it turns out the answer to that question is definitely a big 10-4, with this yellow Mustrrari (go here if the ad disappears) as the proof. We don't know the year of the chassis (in fact, it might not even be a Fox, though that's the way to bet), and we don't know the engine size, transmission type, nor anything else of any value to potential buyers, since the seller doesn't wish to divulge that sensitive information in the Craigslist ad. All we know is that "someone just needs to go over the body again, fix the engine, and 'freshen' everything up." How hard could it be?

Which Fauxrrari shall it be?
( surveys)




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